Dr. Becky Kennedy: belief

Transcript context

…Yeah. And so, I think related to being a sturdy leader, to make it more concrete, there's two jobs we have as a parent. I think they're the same two jobs we have as any sturdy leader in any environment. And that's setting boundaries, which are limits we set, certain decisions we make. Boundaries often relate to your position of authority, where you have some long-term goal in mind that someone else in the system just isn't as aware of, or a two-year-old isn't as capable of holding onto, which is why you're in the position of making a decision. So, that's the boundaries. And the other side is, validating kids' or someone else's experience, while not being taken over by it. And I think we've moved so far in this direction of validating kids' experience, and I'll go on record and saying, validating kids' feelings is an incomplete parenting approach. That is half of our job, but it doesn't work if we're not doing the other half, which is setting boundaries, which is the skill I feel best about teaching people, because I think it's what we're often lacking. So, my definition of boundaries, I do like because it's immediately usable and testable. Boundaries are what you tell someone else you will do, and it requires the other person to do nothing. Too often I hear people say, My kid doesn't respect my boundaries. My colleague doesn't respect my boundaries. And with all due respect, I often think, I think you have an incorrect definition of boundaries. I think you're probably making a request, which by the way, we do a lot. There's nothing wrong with requests, but it's not a boundary. Because if you're setting what you call a boundary and you're really making a request, you're giving all of your power away to the other person, because you're saying the success of this important moment depends on my two-year-old. What? I'm not going to give my power to my two-year-old. And I always tell parents, I would bet on you any day over your kid, and it's not because I don't like your kid. I do like your kid. I just believe in you more. And so a good example of this, let's say, is, I have a kid, like I was describing before, who's not a people pleaser. And so, I live in New York City, we live in a building with a lot of elevator buttons, where this kid, when he was younger, if he was left to his own devices, which had happened, he would press every elevator button, every one. And with my other kids, one of them especially, I probably would've been able to make a request like, Hey, when we go on the elevator later, it's really important not to press all the buttons. Other people wait for this elevator, it's rude, whatever it is. That's not a boundary. Because I could say, Did I tell my kid what I will do? No. Does it require my kid to do nothing? No. A boundary, would be saying, when we go into the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the button, sweetie, because I'm not going to let you press the buttons, because other people are waiting. A boundary, would be saying, when we go into the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the button, sweetie, because I'm not going to let you press the buttons, because other people are waiting. And if you have a kid like my kid, they're going to lunge for it anyway. And then I would block my kid, because I'm ready and I've done a workout, my muscles are ready. I'm not going to let you do that. Now, my kid might get upset, which allows me to do the other part of my jobs. Oh, I know you wish you could press those buttons or maybe just look kindly toward him and not say anything, but I'm going to still hold my boundary. And in this example, I think one of the places we get into trouble as a parent, is we say, Don't press the buttons. If you press the buttons, no dessert tonight, or whatever, we threaten. But all of that is a way of completely undermining our authority, because I'm giving all of my power to my kid. I'm letting myself get frustrated. Now, I'm taking away dessert, and the honest truth, if we want to be honest about it, is at night, I'm going to give my kids sorbet anyway and then make up something how sorbet isn't dessert, because it has fruit, all because I just didn't set a boundary in the first place. And I think over and over, in parenting, maybe at work too, we're asking our kid to do our job for us, because we just don't want to deal with the emotional fallout, but that's what I call job confusion and makes everyone frustrated. Your marketing website sets the tone for your brand and is the one touchpoint that every single one of your customer sees. In today's age, if you're still having a hard time making small changes and simple updates to it, you are doing something wrong. That is why so many companies from early stage startups to Fortune 500s, including companies like SpaceX, DoorDash, Zapier, Perplexity, and ElevenLabs turn to Framer, the website builder that turns your .com, from a formality into a tool for growth. Framer works like your team's favorite design tool and comes with real-time collaboration, a robust CMS with everything you need for great SEO and advanced analytics that includes integrated A/B testing. Changes to your Framer site go live to the web in seconds, with a single click and without any help from engineering. Whether you want to launch a new site, test a few... And without any help from engineering, whether you want to launch a new site, test a few landing pages, or migrate your full .com, Framer has programs for startups, scale-ups, and large enterprises to make going from idea to live site as easy and fast as possible. Learn how to turn your website into a growth engine from a Framer expert, or just get started building for free today at framer.com/lenny. And if you're a Lenny's Product Pass subscriber, you get an entire year of Framer Pro for free. Check it out at framer.com/lenny. Rules and restrictions may apply. Let me actually ask you a parenting question while we're on this topic as I'm trying to learn this boundaries thing better. What's the correct way to, if they're not going to the car, and I'm like, "Okay. I'm going to carry you to the car if you don't do this." I'm still requesting them to go there. Is there a way to phrase that where they don't need to do anything?…

Stored transcript either side of the excerpt. The highlighted words are the published quote; the surrounding text is unedited source, never generated.