Dr. Becky Kennedy: evaluation

Transcript context

…So one of the core principles you teach, the name of your book and the name of your product and community and everything you built is "Good Inside." I'm curious if that's a useful lens in the work environment too. You teach kids are good inside, no matter their behavior, they may be having a hard time, but they're still good inside. Is that useful in work at all? Are people always still good inside? I imagine not always. I think it's a very useful framework. And I'll say why, but I want to separate things that we often confuse. No part of me if my kid is, when they were younger hitting, would I be like, "My kid is good inside, so who cares that they hit?" Or, "This employee's good inside, so it doesn't matter that they're not getting their PRDs in on time," whatever it is. No. And I think that's actually the other thing that's core to Good Inside is the idea of being good inside inherently requires us to separate behavior and identity. Most difficult times we have personally or interpersonally come because we've collapsed behavior and identity. And it's easy to do because we infer a lot from people's behavior for our own. Right? So someone's late to work a lot, "Oh, that person's lazy." Right? Seeing that person as good inside starts with this sentence, "This is a good person who is late." Right? Or, "I have a good kid who's hitting." And I do this thing with my hands because it actually helps my brain and body see the difference. One hand is identity, the other hand is behavior and literally just separating them forces you to distinguish who someone is good inside from their behavior. And ironically, that's what allows you to effectively change and improve their behavior. Because we all know what it's like to feel defensive. Do you know why we're defensive? Because we think someone else, instead of talking about our behavior, is talking about our identity. And then we can't even talk about our behavior anymore and being late because we feel like they're accusing us of being a bad person or being lazy or not caring about the other people in the meeting. Now we can't even talk about the reason for my lateness because my whole identity feels wrapped up in it. So the quickest way to have an unproductive conversation is to lose sight of the fact that someone's good inside. If I'm talking about someone at work, let's say again, who's always late, here's like a quote "good inside," infused conversation. I would start by saying, "First of all, I want to say we're on the same team." If that's the only thing people take from this, that is the most amazing way to have a more productive conversation with anyone. "I want to say we're on the same team. I know you're a good person. You probably don't need me to tell you that we need to start meetings on time. We both know that. It's also been happening consistently, which lets me know something is going on that I want to get to the bottom of with you. Because we need you to be there at 9:00 AM to start this important leadership meeting. So tell me what's been going on. Is there something at work that feels bad that makes you not want to come in? Is there something going on at home? Is this, I don't know, a hard time managing your time, whatever it is, let's get to the bottom of it together so we can figure it out." So that to me is that lens. Is there something going on at home? Is this, I don't know, a hard time managing your time, whatever it is, let's get to the bottom of it together so we can figure it out." So that to me is that lens. And it's honestly, Lenny, it's the same thing we do, I don't know, and like a good sports coach. I don't know someone, I don't know, who's a good even professional sports coach who's like, "You missed all the layups today. What's wrong with you? And here's what I'm taking away." It's like, "Whoa, you're a good player. Something's going on. Let's get in the gym tomorrow. Let's figure it out. I believe in you. I am putting you on the bench now because it's not really working out, but we're going to get to the bottom of this together." That comes from seeing the good inside someone.…

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