Carole Robin: preference

Transcript context

…The class is quite unusual in that there's not just a bunch of lectures and talks, there's a lot of experiential pieces where you have to do quite uncomfortable things in order to learn how to do this well. Can you share an example or two of some of the things you put people through, whatever you're able to share? Sure. I mean, I think that we don't learn to be... And I don't learn how to connect with you by reading about it in a book, which by the way is why it took us four years to write our book because at the end of every chapter there's a, here are things you can go do with what you just learned in the reading. And likewise in the class, the lectures are scaffolding on which you can hang your experience. But most of the learning happens in these small groups called T groups. The T stands for training, not therapy. And sometimes people think they sound like therapy, and they sometimes even experience them as feeling a little bit like therapy, but that's not what they are. We call them training groups. And what happens in that group is that there's 12 participants and two facilitators, and they are, for example, given a task, I might pair two students up and say, okay, you've got 10 minutes. Allow the other person to get to know you. And that's the only instruction I give. Okay, so now you and I look at each other and we're like, "I don't know what the heck that's supposed to mean." And then maybe I share something about myself or maybe I ask you a question or who knows what I do with that, and then who knows what you do with that? So after 10 minutes, then I stop them and I say, okay, so take a moment and recognize that you just had a bunch of choices that you actually probably never even think about. You had a choice whether you began by sharing something or you waited for the other person to be in. You had a choice whether you began with a question, which was a nice, safe place to be, or whether you began with a disclosure. Then you had choices with regard to how you responded to what your partner did. And the whole course is about having interactions and then having the guidance and the space and the time and the focus to unpack what just happened. So now do you want to have a more conversation with this person or less? Are you intrigued or are you like, "Can I just get paired up with somebody else?" But now we get to talk about it. And then I put them into a second conversation and I say, okay, now having learned that, by the way, one of the ways we build relationships is through disclosure, through allowing ourselves to become more known. So that's a little mini lecture. And then I say, okay, now go back into your pair and see whether or not you want to make some new choices. And then of course, that's all I always say, confidentiality is a very important aspect of all this work. So in the pair conversations, in the group conversations, I call them the Vegas Rule. What happens if Vegas stays in Vegas. And so I don't ask for any specifics, but I'll ask them for, was there a qualitative difference between the first and second conversation? And they inevitably say, "Oh my God. The first conversation is the conversation I have in the bar all the time with somebody." there a qualitative difference between the first and second conversation? And they inevitably say, "Oh my God. The first conversation is the conversation I have in the bar all the time with somebody." And the second conversation was a little more uncomfortable, but I sure feel a lot more known, and I think I know my partner a little bit more and now they've had a little taste of what it's going to be like.…

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