Kenneth Berger: preference

Transcript context

…The most tricky. But step three is accept the response. And it might seem so simple, but it actually is kind of subtle. And so one reason is that idea of sort of the whole body yes or the hell yes. Because I think often we really want a yes. And so we're very, very biased to look for a yes versus accepting no, "That was a no." If someone made this face, that's a no. It doesn't matter what comes out of their mouth. And so the challenge of accepting the response is often that of hearing the no, but not over accepting or under accepting it. Because I think sometimes what people who are really afraid to ask will do is they say, oh, well, that was a no. So it's no forever and I should never ask again. My dream is dead and nothing is ever going to happen for me again." And that's because they get so scared. But actually no, that's over accepting. The no is just from this person right now in the way that you asked, which doesn't necessarily mean anything about the next time you ask to a different person in a different way, in a different time. And on the flip side, in that sort of more control freak mode, I think for them they'll often skip over the response say, "Well, they said no, but they don't know what they're talking about." Or they're my direct report, so they have to do what I say. So these are all fundamentally disrespectful ways to operate in this relationship. When we're talking about asking for what we want, we're talking about influence. So you need to have good relationships. You can't be influential with a bad relationship. So really accepting the response is about, yes, I'm going to be genuine about what I want, but I'm also going to genuinely care about you and have deep respect for your ability to consent or not consent to whatever the ask is. Because I think the counterintuitive thing is that often when we really respect people's no's, it can actually be more influential, more motivating. If someone says, "Okay. I'm not ready to deliver this on time." Be like, "Okay. Well, I'm going to give the project to another person." I'm taking your no at face value. And they say, "Oh gosh, well, I didn't realize that was going to be the consequence. Maybe I can get it done by that time." And so that way you're not forcing them and you're not coercing them, right? You're just saying, "No, you said no? So that your no is no, and I accept that." So it feels like part of the skill here is preparing, is knowing. Some people just say no and that's okay. That's part of the experience. Part of it is if there's this not yet component... We had Mihika Kapoor on the podcast. She has a PM at Figma and she had this really great approach to building new things within companies is just like everything to her is not yet and no is a not yet. And the way you phrased it is it could just be the way you asked. It could be, maybe they'll agree if you can figure out a better way to pitch the thing. Is there anything more you can add there about just this idea of it's not no forever?…

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