Dr. Becky Kennedy: preference

Transcript context

…Yeah. Okay. Something else that you teach, that I find really helpful, is this idea of sturdy, becoming a sturdy parent, learning to be sturdy. That feels very related to being a good leader, just like learning how to deal with challenges. Talk about that from the kids' context and then how it might be useful in work. Yeah, I think that's the essence of what Good Inside does. We help parents become sturdy leaders, so they can raise sturdy, confident kids. And when I started this, I'd use that word a lot. People would say to me, I've never heard anyone use that word. I know what it means. But I think about language too, and I like language that helps me conjure up an image or a feeling. It takes it out of my brain and I think the word sturdy, if you picture someone in your life, even if you haven't thought about them, who's the sturdy person I know? I bet you can kind of locate them, you see them, and there's a feeling you have around them. And I think the best leaders we have are sturdy. And so, I'll start it with a metaphor, because I actually think that brings it to life. And I think this is as true in parenting and in the workplace. So, picture being a passenger on a flight. It's really turbulent and you start screaming and everyone starts screaming, okay? So, everyone's panicked in the flight and then you hear the announcement from the pilot and I think there's three types of announcements you can have. The third one's going to be the sturdy one, the first two, not as much. So the first one is some version of, What are you freaking out about? Stop screaming. You're making this flight awful for everyone and you're distracting me and stop making a big deal out of nothing. And that's kind of when we say those words to a kid, Stop freaking out. You're ruining this for everyone. But the truth is, if you think about yourself on a flight and the pilot says that, you don't feel calmer. Number one, you're worried they don't notice the turbulence. Number two, you're a little disturbed that it just takes your screaming to make the pilot kind of lose it at you, right? And that actually makes you feel less safe. And so, that's like in a meeting where people, I don't know, voice something that doesn't feel good and the leader essentially is like, Stop complaining. That's not sturdy. The second version is also not sturdy. And I think we've a little bit, at least in parenting, over corrected to this, which is a pilot saying like, I hear you screaming. You know what? I'm opening the cockpit door. Does anyone want to fly the plane because your screaming is make me anxious and I'm not really sure what to do. Maybe one of you want to do it. I think that's a massive overcorrection I've seen in parenting and I just want to make it very clear that is not what we do at Good Inside, which is kind of, my kid is upset and instead of just caring about their feelings, now their feelings dictate my decisions. That's terrifying for someone on a flight. If that's me, I'm not even scared of the turbulence anymore. I'm scared that this person is my supposed leader. That's also in a meeting when you complain about things and a leader might say, Oh, okay, you know what? Okay, we'll just get consensus on this. ore. I'm scared that this person is my supposed leader. That's also in a meeting when you complain about things and a leader might say, Oh, okay, you know what? Okay, we'll just get consensus on this. When it's a decision, that's a leadership decision, not a consensus decision, which some decisions are, but some decisions aren't because you are the only one who has certain information. Now, to me is the third announcement that I want to hear, when it's really turbulent, is something like this. I hear everyone screaming back there, that makes sense. And you haven't been in as many flights, you're right, it's very bumpy. And I know what I'm doing. This turbulence, though it scares you, it doesn't scare me. I'm actually going to get off this loudspeaker right now to go back to do my job. I'll see you when we land in Los Angeles. Now, even if the turbulence is the same, all of a sudden I feel this deep breath, because my worry is contained. This sturdy leader is able to see my emotional experience as real for me and not be overwhelmed by it themself. Those are the two distinct aspects of being a sturdy leader. I can see someone else's experience as real for them, but I can still hold onto my experience and so I'm not overwhelmed by someone else. So to a kid, it might be saying, look, let's say TV time is over, and my kid does not [inaudible 00:39:42] in my house, when I say TV time is over, I'm turning off the TV. When my kids were younger, they didn't say, You're right, mom, that's a great decision. No. They freaked out because they wanted to watch another one. So, a sturdy leader would say in that position, I'm turning the TV off, that's my decision. I get that you're upset, I don't really like to end TV time either. I also know we'll get through it. Do your thing and then we'll transition to brushing teeth and then I kind of wait it out. Or in the workplace, someone's complaining about, I don't know, making this up, but maybe it's some policy change, vacation change, number of days in the office, where you say, look, I want to share something that I know some people are going to have a reaction to, here's the new policy. People stop [inaudible 00:40:25], complaining. Look, I get it, this is a big change and you're right. This does make things hard in a certain way, and I totally see that, and the way you're feeling makes sense. And here's some version of why we're doing it and I know we're going to get through it and I have faith in us to weather this turbulence. And I think, in every situation, kids, workplace, in laws, whatever it is, that sturdy leadership always feels good.…

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