Lenny Rachitsky: belief

Transcript context

…Well, if you think about, and I'm very visual, so if you think about someone struggling, picture them in a hole, not an abyss, just like a little hole, okay? And we're a relational species, at least we'll see what happens with AI, but for now we're a relational species, okay? And so when we're really struggling, inherently, the reason why we're struggling is we're in a hole and we can't see the way out of it. If we were in a hole and could see the way out, we wouldn't struggle. So the only reason something feels so hard is because you're in a hole without visibility. So what do you need as a relational species? You need someone you trust to have one foot in the hole with you. You do. That's the I believe you part. So it might be saying to your kid, and those words are so powerful. I think deep down, Lenny, that's literally what we're all looking for as humans is just to be believed. "I believe you. You really don't want to go to soccer practice. You're no longer starting on the team. The first soccer practice after you lose your starting spot sucks, totally sucks. I believe you." But if you think about them in that hole, they need you to have one foot out of the hole. They need one foot in, but they need one foot out. Because if we can't see a more capable version of our kid than they can access in that moment, we've collapsed into the hole with them. And so the I believe you is, I believe in you would be, "Look, you're going to go to practice today. You are. I'll just be honest. It's not going to be fun. You're not going to want to be there the whole time. You're going to feel embarrassed. You're going to hate watching them run plays with you on the sideline, and you're going to come home having survived. I'm going to be there for a hug. I'm going to let you know I'm proud of you. Maybe I'm proudest of you that moment even more than when you scored the goal last game, because that's the hard stuff that's going to help you in life and we're going to get through it together." And so I think for anyone listening, I find what's really powerful with anything is thinking, what end of the spectrum am I on? Because it always gives me insight into where I can grow. Is the I believe you part easier for me or is the I believe in you part easier for me? And there's no morality. Just knowing where you are is helpful. Do I like to say to people, "Come on, it's no big deal. You can do it." Okay, that's the I believe in you. Ooh, I wonder if I'd be more effective if I focus on the first, I believe you. Or do I lead as a parent, as a leader with, I believe you, but ooh, do I sometimes go into the hole with someone? Oh, okay. It's the other part I'm going to play around with. And I think that gives us all something to action on. This is such good advice. I got tingles as you were describing what you were telling your kid. If there's anything you take away from this conversation, this is useful with kids, with partners, I think in work too, just this idea of I believe you and that makes sense. And then somehow making it clear that I believe in you. Yes. See a more capable version of them than they can see in the moment. Doing those two things at once, it's magic. I talk a good game. It's hard for me too. Again, these things are hard in practice, but at least, and I know you're like this too, it's helpful to have a framework to come back to. You're like this too. It's helpful to have a framework to come back to.…

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