Lenny Rachitsky: commitment

Transcript context

…Yeah, there's sort of a few different levels of it. One way to make people feel heard is, let's assume you're talking to them because there's another way, there's an even more surface way is verbal. Sometimes what I do is I ask, if I'm in a group of people, and there's a question or a problem that we're trying to solve, instead of going around the room and hearing people's verbal opinions, which takes forever, I ask everyone at the same time to take five minutes to write down their solution. Then we all drop it in a doc and then I just read it. When I read it I say, "Thank you, Lenny." And that makes you know that I at least read it, so that's a little bit of feeling heard. Second, if I want to make you feel more heard, I ask you to say it verbally and then I repeat it back to you. "Lenny, I think what I heard you say is... Is that right?" And you're like, "Yes." Or you're like, "No, not quite a little bit different." Then if it's a little bit different, I repeat it again until you say, "Yes, that's it." Now you know that I understood you. Then there's a third way which is even deeper, which is especially if you're giving me feedback, you likely don't want to hurt my feelings. So what you're doing is you're giving me the feedback, but you're couching it, you're polishing it, you're rounding the edges, you're making it softer. It's not really what you're thinking, but it's what you're willing to say. If I want to make you really feel heard, I reflect back what I imagine are the thoughts in your head. If I think you're feeling anger, I sort of think to myself, well, what would anger feel like? I cause myself to feel that anger, then what are the thoughts that appear to me? I say something to you like, "Lenny, I think what I'm hearing you say is you're off and you're thinking, screw you, Matt. How dare you walk into the office and not even say hello to me? Is that close?" And you're like, "No, Matt." People either say one of two things, they say, "Yeah, that is it." Or they say "No, that's stronger than what I was thinking, but directionally that's right." What that really means is, yeah, that's what I was thinking. Almost always their thoughts are bigger than their words, but they really feel heard when I share their thoughts. Now, that's not the end of the process. I mean you actually have to then do something. Once you made them feel heard, you have to say, okay, well either I accept or don't accept this feedback and if I accept, here's what I'm going to do about it. If I don't accept, I need to explain to you why. Here's what's going on. You shared with me what's going on in your world, now let me share with you what's going on in my world. Hopefully, you can see why this thing that's going on in my world doesn't allow me to accept what it is that you shared, and hopefully now that you see what's going on in my world, your feedback changes and that's it. That's the whole process. I'm listening to this advice and I'm like, yes, I will do this next time I'm talking to someone. I imagine people don't and they forget, and it takes time to actually learn these things. Like the firing advice you just shared, how do you actually get good at this and practice these things is like I have to work with a coach who will continue to reinforce these things? Is it follow these steps next time? Have them written down? What advice do you have for folks that are like, I want to get better at this. I want to start doing this stuff. Well, these docs are all free to the public in the curriculum. You can post them here, you can post them on Twitter, you can post the whole curriculum on Twitter, frankly, other people have. It has a step-by-step. There's a doc in there that is a step-by-step script. All you do is you read it and you follow the script in letting someone go or in making someone feel heard. My posit is once you do it one time, you're like, oh my god, that worked so well. That's the only motivation you need. And you've got the script, so you can just keep doing it. I don't think you need a coach. In fact, I remember one time I asked an investor who their best up and coming CEO was. The investor gave me a name. I was like, "Great, can I please get introduced to him? I want coach him." I reached out, the guy responded immediately. He's like, "Matt, I've read your book. I love your book. I read it three years ago. I've been implementing all the elements in our company. It's fantastic." When someone says that they know my work, they've already implemented it and it's worked, 10 out of 10 times, that person wants me to coach them. Then I said, "Great, that's fantastic. I'd love to coach you." And the guy said to me, "No, thanks." I was shocked. I was like, "Why?" He said, "Well, because it's all working. I don't have any problems. I don't think I need to be coached by you." I couldn't have heard a better answer. That, to me, is the ultimate answer. And he is right. He doesn't need me, doesn't need anyone.…

Stored transcript either side of the excerpt. The highlighted words are the published quote; the surrounding text is unedited source, never generated.